After a few days of absolute crazy – everything from my passport being lost by the Indian visa workers (and having to cancel my flights) to things so small as my bike tire going flat in San Francisco – I’ve been trying to balance myself in stillness and peace (and failing miserably) with this feeling of my life being completely out of my hands.
I’ve found myself screaming in anger at God, who knows me and loves me. I’ve discounted the knowledge of warfare beyond what my eyes can see and I’ve sat in complete silence with nothing but tears and snot to give. I was at the end of my rope, and while I still have no idea what the future holds I find a desire to seek out and strive to become what Graham is talking about in that quote.
Again I realize that I cannot control circumstances outside of myself, I can only manage my reaction to such events. Our reactions are not typically accidents, they come from a place of cultivation or lack thereof. I cannot manifest what is not present, so I must practice, and allow. That way next time shit hits the fan I can stop, be still, and be at peace.
I am thankful for the ability to grow and learn. I am thankful for a father who allows me to make mistakes, is filled with grace, and models exactly who I long to be for my children in the future. I am thankful for friends who reflect back to me the true nature of God and remind me of reality beyond my circumstances but mostly – regardless of my constant angst and agony over the fact – I am thankful to be human, and alive in this time to experience what I am and to push forward past adversity, and into triumph.
God is a God of peace.