practicing the push back / resilience in the wild places
I like to tell myself we all have these days. The days where we wake up and think to ourselves, "what... the fuck... is the point". The days where we roll back over, pulling the covers up over our heads, hoping that if we hold perfectly still, the day might pass us by and these feelings of hopelessness will fade. But they don't, do they?
During a verbal procession sesh with a friend a few days back I stumbled upon this idea of wanting to live in an awareness and understanding of "the point" of everything that I do. From relationships to projects, storytelling to the ins and outs of daily life. Today it's a frustrating dichotomy to exist in. The question disrupts my flow and sucks the joy from my moments, especially on days where I already feel pointless.
What is the point? It's a question that is deeper than I give credit, and one that sometimes leaves me floundering in hopelessness. I am realizing, though, that this place, the desolate reaches within, the dry and cracked, arid places of my mind is were I grow. When I have to search, it's only then that I will find. I just have to hold on. Push through. Fight.
My insides quake upon glimpsing the oasis of hope (which is simply the reminder that tomorrow will come and that this is a journey, a process, that nothing is pointless, or empty, that there is life in every moment, that people are stories, that breath is a gift, that hobbies are life giving, that there is power within us, that words can shift everything... that we are the heroes of our stories and the captains of our destinies). My bones erupt in a deep, guttural roar where all rust and unbelief falls away.
This is the process of an artist. The terrible reality of emotion that draws from within us both agony and beauty, their limbs entangled, married as one. To survive we must remember to push back. And to push back we must create. Create anything. In truth. In honesty.
And please, please hold on. Tomorrow will come. You are resilient; and this journey, this confusing, reckless, overwhelming fight for hope, is the point.