I'm a leaky cauldron.
she paused then added "you have to leak vision to learn to sustain it I reckon."
"Yeah. the heart is fickle. up and down left and right, God stays the same... i like that about him" she responded.
Two days ago I spent a good chunk of time on Skype (with a beautiful soul all the way in mexico...yes, I love skype) whimpering about how hard a season these last few months have been for me. I was complaining about this and that and how I have had very little idea of why I'm here besides what I felt like the Lord had said (which was a whole lot of silence aside from he wanted me here) when suddenly it struck me. You know that moment of revelation as you're talking and it's that exact moment you want to put your head through the wall and eat everything that's come out of your mouth over the last 5 minutes because you're suddenly standing in a refreshing and painfully beautiful pool of clarity? Yea. That was me.
The last two and a half months have been up and down and left and right and, really, neither here nor there. I've had beautiful moments of clarity and vision and awful hours of perishing (prov 29:18) and quite honestly I've wanted nothing more than to rip the reins out of Gods hands and go home.
I've literally spent countless hours being so irritated with Jesus for having me in this incredible, scenic place with incredible, God-fearing/centered community. Ridiculous right? I know (now, thanks to Mr. Dietrich Bonhoeffer for rebuking me via Life Together last night).
At any rate it was mid sentence over Skype that I realized.. God is abundantly faithful. Another obvious, I know. But seriously, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is faithful to answer the prayers of his people. I've spent the last three months asking the Lord to teach me to sustain vision. There are more than one LORD TEACH ME TO SUSTAIN or LORD WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE TO CARRY VISION?'s littering my journal.. and I've finally realized... hes actually doing it. Crazy. The Lord really is who he says he is (even if it doesn't look like I think it should, or even when I'm to dense to realize).
Hes been teaching me in a round about sort of way to carry vision, not necessarily my own, to trumpet it through video, design and photography, and to sustain my own personal vision through cultivating it while helping advance others in the mean time. It's literally everything I've been talking about with friends out here (what if we did this together, went after each others visions, carried the burden with one another), I just didn't have eyes to see because it didn't look like what I thought it would (it never does.. does it?).
Just to clarify, for those of us who want life to be a walk in the park, it still doesn't look super pretty. or easy. or nice. or fluffy and soft. In fact it's quite the opposite. It's messy and ugly and sometimes it feels dark and confusing and there are days where I find myself bitter or hurt or angry - but that's not the end of the story (this story always ends with hope and victory), and that is the ONLY thing that is important. So we recognize all of that as lies, because in the end it is (believing anything less than who God REALLY is), repent of believing those lies (which is sin) and move on.
James tells us to count it all joy when we fall into trials because the testing of our faith produces perseverance. James wasn't an idiot.
Thank you Jesus that even when it's hard, and I feel like you suck and I'm sick of being in this beautiful place and I'm sick of support raising and I'm sick of not being in control (truth bomb, Gal 6:9), you remain good and faithful. Thank you that you speak to me and reveal to me truth and most of all thank you for forgivness. Thank you that your blood covers my immaturity, complaining, and lack of perspective. Thank you that repentance is easy and that relationship with you is accessible.
Thank you that you take me back over and over and over as I give myself over to lies and lesser things and then come running back to you. Thank you that you grace is sufficient for me.........(even when I make harry potter references in my blogs;)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I believe it.