I don't have any open doors and I'm very impatient...
Pressing In. I've heard it a million times. I said it a million times. I've encouraged people toward it.. a million times - but when it's you sitting on the floor in your room feeling hopeless it's different.. isn't it? is it?
The past two months have been.. different for me. Hard. Incredible..Different. I'm in a place where I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. My dreams have become fuzzy, my passions are being put through the ringer and besides the fact that I am in Love with Love I'm not really sure what is going on.
I'm living in a city I can't really say I have reason to be in. I don't have any open doors and I'm very impatient... but tonight I feel like some sort of achievement was unlocked. Like I got some extra hitpoints or something. A huge weight has been lifted and I feel.. free! (even if I don't know why or how)
Pressing in. The last 5 days have been so hard. Tuesday I was "let go" from a Job I'd only been working a week and a day. In short I was let go for someone with more experience. It was a HUGE blow to my self esteem and I guess Pride in what I know I do well. Horses. It may sound silly, but.. liken it to your passion. It's the one thing that I am absolutely and without a doubt passionate about and have been since I was small.. and now I'm not good enough. I know, I know.. it's the "real world". This is what life is really like. I know, "get back out there and find a new Job". The list goes on and on.. but it doesn't really work like that in your heart does it? I happen to be a very emotion driven person (who knew?) and stuff like that doesn't just.. roll off my back like a duck (although sometimes I'd like it to).
It was a very personal foul.
I think you can see where I was going with pressing in. Being here, not knowing what I'm doing.. where I'm going, having no real community or friends that are running the same direction. Being so far from my church and college group.. and now having no horses in my life I was feeling pretty.. alone. I felt.. very alone. And I couldn't hear Jesus. Maybe because I was wallowing so deep in self pity.. who knows. haha, but there wasn't any other option. When you are in love.. you can't turn around. You can't just choose to leave it. You don't just walk away from Passion. so.. I fought (a very pathetic fight I might add, maybe even half assed...more of a "I'm angry, and confused as to why you let this happen.. and I'm going to pout the whole time through this.. but.. of course I'm still in"). I guess it was more of a "I'm too stubborn to move from this place, so I'm holding on through this storm", but either way I feel like I made it.
It feels like the dimmer has been taken off my flame. It feels like.. I can breathe again.
I still may not know where I'm headed, but at least I can do it with confidence and a smile.
With all that being said (and yes, I know I'm long winded) I propose this: we rename "pressing in" to "holding on with everything we have because we know, even when we cant feel it or are uncertain that it's there, that Love won't ever leave us or forsake us to the tar pit we may feel stuck in at any given moment, hour, day, week, month or year."
yep. That's right. Booyah.