Ache |ak|noun an emotion experienced with painful or bittersweet intensity
I often talk about paradoxes within myself here, because I more often than not feel as if that is all that makes me up structure wise. I am this mix of yes and no, here and there, up and down, belief and doubt, courage and fear, passion and apathy. In the midst of my paradoxical existence I find myself " like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." but inside me aches this longing to be "peaceful like a river", for it is that place in which I was created for.
I use the word ache because, as defined, it is the bittersweet and painful longing of my soul; the thrashing and violent defense of my spirit against my flesh. My flesh is like the sea. My soul was created for still waters. My life is an adventure on the open waters of this existence; my soul longs to rest quietly beside green pastures. Paradoxical.
And why, pray tell me, do I resist those quiet valleys? Why when I am led there in calm spirit to fill myself with abundance do I draw away and seek chaos? Why, when I have every right and credential to enter into the place I long to reside do I choose squalor?
Inside me burns this desire to believe, to hope; and barring my way stands this hideous giant who boasts the name doubt. So I shrink back. I turn from what I know to be beyond that grotesque face that jeers, I begin back along the road in which I came, I drag my toes.... but NO! Inside me something stirs. Something ticks and taps and raps and knocks at the door of my existence. My insides respond to the coo of the gentle whisper. I ache inside. I'm to the point of choice. I know it will be difficult, I know it will be bittersweet and painful, but my heart burns alive.
doubt is ugly. doubt has no home and so it preys on those who walk the road to their dreams, to his kingdom come, but doubt is a shmuck. and despite his towering presence in the middle of my adventure, I have to ability and the option to choose to live in that quiet place. That haven. To tune out doubt and listen instead to the trickle of soft peace over smooth stones of hope.
In spite of my doubt, I ache - nay, I CHOOSE, to believe.
Oh what it would be to live without doubt, and if not without doubt than to live in a way that gives it no voice in my life.
Instead, I choose to be a woman of peace like a river.
It's high time that ache and desire take a back seat to intentionality and choice. Ache and desire should fuel and propel, for we are not stagnant beings. Take hold of peace. Step into hope and belief. Live alive.