Can I wander in wholeness?
Tonight I am challenged, even now, as the evening approaches the wee hours of morning. I just finished reading a blog post by Jess about consistency and courage in our daily lives, concerning "big" events, and I find in myself a desire to turn and face this beast I know lingers behind me. Longevity and consistency do not come naturally to me. I am what I like to call a starter. I start things. I've been learning a lot about patience and persistence in the last couple months, but on a small-scale when compared to the grand ventures of life. I mean, come on, I fondly refer to myself as a nomad, that doesn't leave much room for longevity (at least in location), does it? But in the last year or so I've begun to see this sliver of desire in me for 'permanence'. And yes, I can talk up a storm about how I long to have a community of people who are dedicated to each other and the dreams that reside within each of us, how I want to write books and start cafe's and create safe havens for nomadic hearts. How I long to see healing in families and in individual's, and yes! I recognize that all that requires a sense of stability and, really, roots - but it's so much more than that, tonight.
Tonight I ache for consistency and longevity to rest in my soul. In my heart of hearts I want to be whole.
It's not about this that or the other thing, because it starts inside of us... it starts inside of me. and from that place of peace and rest I hope to find consistency.
The question I don't want to ask is why am I so quick to move? so quick to wander? so quick to allow myself to fade out of jobs and school?
I so badly want to slap a label on myself and say, "It's fine. I'm a wanderer. It's what I do." But something in me whispers, it's more than that. what if it's linked to a deep dark and scary part of who I am? what if it's linked to experiences and loss and grief? what if I'm/my lifestyle is not an icon of freedom (if only for myself)? Have I wandered out of fear? Have I adopted this nomadic notion out of a place of brokenness? am I portraying a false picture of freedom? what if freedom is actually found in Jesus Christ and not in a change of location, or a rush of emotion, or a lining up of perfect events? What if consistency and longevity are byproducts of a peaceful and quiet soul?
I look at these questions and the truth is I don't have an answer now. Honestly, I wasn't even expecting to discover this as I wrote, but now that the questions are there I reckon I have some exploring to do. So tomorrow it will be one step at a time. First, peace in my soul. Quiet in my mind, love in my bones.