I'm not okay - I'm angry.
and in the dark I cried a thousand tears of nothing.a thousand tears of nothing because you cannot see a soul. you cannot hear it's aches and moans. you cannot touch it's broken lines, or mend it's oozing holes. i happened upon the sickness tonight, by the gentle guiding and goading of someone dear. the realization was as bright a light in a prison compound by night; the sickness throbbed, bubbled and pulsed, folding in on itself, taking with it little parts of me as it went. a sickness and a reality . the reality that screams hatred and anger from a place of confusion and hurt. i'm not okay - i'm angry.
you say you're healer, yet I live broken. you say you give all to those who seek, you say you sustain, and mend, and you will rebuild this land and yet i've seen the world and i've seen the hurting and the broken and had but words to offer, and as much as it terrifies me to venture into these wilds, I am brave enough to say it's not enough for me.
I say it because I believe you are a man of your word. I say it in bold proclamation, and I DARE you to show up. I say it because if I'm not honest with me, who will be?
I'll ask the hard questions, I'll search the badlands, the dry and parched expanses, I'll weep and scream and pound my fists, I'll pull my hair and ache and groan -
and I'll believe, against all odds that you will show up. that you'll pick me up. that you'll guide me quietly, bleeding, scabbed and dirty to those silver shores of truth, and life and light.
I find myself, tonight, with a thousand tears of nothing running down my cheeks because I'm done with words, I'm done with discussions and meetings and image and dreams and all of that. I'm done with pretending as if this is all enough for me. it's not enough. this life is not enough. It will never be enough. this life has not, will not and cannot fulfill this AGONIZING void inside of me.
and I'm angry. I'm angry because I know that nothing but a face to face encounter with you will do it. I'm angry because I want to touch you. I want to really touch you. I want to sit at your feet. I want to really really be able to look up and see your face. I want to be near you, to really be near you. I want to breathe in every part, every detail of who you are as the man. as the sacrifice, as the lamb. face to face. so do it.
take it all. give nothing back. but encounter me.