"...when ya coming back to nz lol?" he asked. I didn't even pause before responding, "haha, i've been trying and trying and trying and God has been consistently, and only sometimes gently, telling me to calm the eff down."
I'm not even joking. I've been trying to get back to New Zealand for about two and a half years now. I know that sounds ridiculous because really, "why don't you just buy a ticket and go?". I know, right? Why don't I?
"A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper." - 1 kings
We have a funny relationship, The Man and I. I basically run around trying to make shit happen, and he sits, calm and patient, and reminds me to breathe, to slow and to listen. He whispers. And when I do take a moment to stop and look his way I am captivated by his eyes and find myself, in the next moment, at his feet. Quiet. Peaceful. and I love it there. It's getting my mind and my hands to stop for a moment to allow myself to wander to his feet that's the real battle.
I never considered myself a martha, always a mary, but more and more I see in myself the woman who wants to do. I don't want to be that woman. I never want to be that woman, but I fall into her shoes so easily .
It's been a pattern in the last two years. End. Plan. Plan. Plan. Plan. Execute. Plan. Plan. Plan. Plan. End. Plan. Plan. Plan. etc, etc, etc. I'm always looking for the next step - but in the last three months I've begun to thaw to that lifestyle. I still try to plan, believe me, but I'm dwarfed at every turn. I wonder, tonight, what it would be like if I were to listen for the next step and allow it to be orchestrated for me, instead of trying to make it happen?
Maybe it's not New Zealand. Maybe it's not LA. Maybe it's not England. Maybe it's not seattle. Maybe it is. Maybe it's all of them. Maybe it's everything, just not right this moment. Or maybe it's tomorrow.
Maybe it's not even about that. Maybe it's not about a location, or a launch date... or a plan, or a dream.
Maybe it's actually about that quiet place. Maybe it's actually about that moment where we lock eyes. Maybe it's actually about the heartbeats in those moments of suspended time.
and I know that's not practical, not in the sense of "okay, what now"... but maybe that's just it, maybe I'm realizing I'm not actually allowing my soul to be satisfied.
First, peace, breath, life and calm inside then dreams.