“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” - Alice Walker
hi. I'm changing. actually, I've been changing my entire life it just seems to be more painful at the ripe age of 23. painfully slow. painfully obviously and obscurely constant, this change. When I was 6 years old I told my grandfather I wanted to be an octopus when I grew up. When I was 10 I wanted to be a veterinarian. At 14 years of age I wanted to run away and be whoever I wanted to be. At 15 I wanted to be an actress. 16 brought dreams of travel. 21 and 'missionary' sounded right. I'm now 23 and everything is foggy.
I am changing. My dreams are changing, my clothes are changingand while my hair hasn't really changed.. like ever, I can't help but identify with what Alice is talking about. Oh, Alice. You are so right in saying this is anything but pleasant. In fact,this feels something akin to what I imagine hell would feel like (albeit I know my savior).
I'm ready to emerge into this next phase of life. I'm ready to shed the painful exterior of indecision and muddled desires. But through all of this, all this talk of life and patterns of change and evolution I realize something pivotal.
This isn't life's first rodeo. I'm not the first person to go through this metamorphosisand I won't be the last.
+ if they could survive and look back with wisdom to share, so can I
So here I am. 23. Having no idea what I want to do with my life.. and realizing that it's okay to be in this place. Painful, sure, but plenty ok.
I think this year I want to be an actress again. Brilliant. Can't wait for next year.