the neverending pursuit.
We live in a microwave generation. A world of 'now' and 'the next big thing'. A loud world - so lacking in the song of silence. A never ending cycle of 'do' simultaneously accomplishing much of nothing. Perpetually unsatisfied. Forever empty.
Life is a paradox. In me can exist two separate and opposite realities (blog about that later, taren). On one hand I am so overwhelmed by the beauty of my life as it is in the present. I am in awe of the goodness of God, and his provision and Character. I am literally floored by the reality of who he is... and yet.. If I am completely honest I find myself, in moments, unsatisfied with where I am at.
I don't think I realized that unsatisfaction was the root until this evening, propelled into thought by the question, "why are we so quick to ask for 'more' from God when the truth he has already given us is eternal"? I so quickly want to point the finger at everything but my own heart; 'I'm a victim of my social upbringing', It's just the way I was raised, It's out 'culture'. It's all such crap. I can place blame all day long (and it may even have roots of truth) but that doesn't change anything, nor does it present a solution. It's a tough reality to choke down as well. When I find myself lost in the future (dreaming about anytime but now [now you see the reality of unsatisfaction?]). In tomorrow, next month, the fall, outreach, this next year.. where does it end? and not to say don't dream. Not to say don't plan, or desire, or explore with the Lord - but where are you invested?
Where am I invested?
I am so sick of finding myself in the 'I think therefore I am' of the future. Of allowing myself to slip out of disciplines now because, for some reason, I think they are magically going to form when I have a family. Or when I this, or when that. I allow myself to be lazy now because I'm 'thinking' disciplined in the future. Oh what it would be like to be Present now. To be active about today. To be aware and diligent with the breath I have now!
If you've ever written a blog you'll understand when I say this is completely written for myself - so please excuse the 'wake up and buckle down' feel. Sometimes you just have to declare things over yourself.
I am finished with this nonsense. I choose to invest in Today. I choose to make healthy habits today so that I can 'be' tomorrow. I will be expectant for the future and the good things of the Lord, while I live a life of gratitude and thankfulness for who he is TODAY. I will be present in the beauty he has surrounded me with, the ever-changing pattern of life, the stories, the smells, the sounds and even the unseen of This Day.
Oh it feels good to be aware! Holy Spirit you are so good to bring to light unsatisfaction in my life, to remind me that we don't have time for that, to answer the cry of my heart. You satisfy me Lord (psalm 107:9).