The Warriors Quest: are we desireable?
As it pertains to the warrior: Most everything in this world is designed to mold you into a one-dimensional human being, one which is manageable. We are given just enough leg room to feel as if we can stand if we please, provided a chair so we feel we can sit if we please, and we are sometimes given a platform if we recite the correct words - but as soon as you test the locks, the moment you begin to scribe your own poetry...just so soon as you realize you are created for more than whitewashed walls, and mindless pacing you become dangerous, a liability and everything and everyone will try to silence you.
My own story begins in the halls of learning labeled 'Self'. In my life there was no room for frailty or femininity. I was on my own and I was not going to fail. I was strong. I was independent. I was going to prove myself. I had no time for anything less than adventure. I was raised by Xena. I found myself in the forests of Middle Earth. I was trained by Allana.
+ then I got a bit older and started to notice that the type of men I was interested in weren't interested in warrior women, or at least they didn't approach me - but I didn't care enough to change. I was comfortable in my skin.
+ then I grew a little older and began to notice that the women who were being pursued and desired were those who were gentle and quiet in their antics, those who were soft and fragile, but "strong in the spirit"- so I gathered that to be desirable one must be as the bible says, "meek" and gentle.
+ I remembered a time when I had been told that who I was wasn't but for attention, and all the times I had felt disapproved of by other women.
+ then I thought, well maybe it's true. maybe I've had it all wrong.. maybe my exterior isn't supposed to be strong. Maybe if I internalized the warrior and labeled her things like, “warrior in the spirit” or “fierce of heart” while maintaining a “womanly” exterior, someone who would fit inside a home, or picture than maybe then I would find whatever it was I was looking for. Maybe if I became like them...
So I gave it all up. I overhauled my heart and my life, and I ran from the warrior. I ran into the arms of the maiden. I forsook everything inside me that was outwardly bold, and courageous and strong in search of a quieter, more gentle, more desirable, me.
and I was lost.
I was seeking to fix myself, to create in myself a more 'pleasant' me, a woman who wasn't so intimidating, or whatever it is that people had been telling me. Because, as any woman, I do long to be desired. But I was missing the point. I am desired. By a king, as a warrior, regardless of man and his pursuit of me, I am desired as I was created.
+ let me say this: I do believe that for my journey and the way that I learn, I had to take that path. I swing hard, but now I seek the truth. Something inside of me tonight raged against the lie that said I was to be anything but who I was created to be.
The truth is I want no part of that bullshit, those weak lies, this crap that tries to mold me and make me quieter, more manageable. I want no part of anything less than everything I'm created for, and I won't settle for anything short of that - nor should you. While I may have the spirit of a warrior it does not end there. Warrior is my exterior. While my heart may be fierce and passionate, so is my voice. So is my war cry. But it's more than that now, too, for I am both.. it may just be the opposite – and this is my hope – that while I am fierce and wild in battle, inside is my temple, my secret place and my spirit knows peace and quiet.
[men can stop reading, now - this is for the ladies] And yes, I'm just going to say it, if it's a man you're worried about (obviously I was somewhere in there), if they aren't approaching you they aren't fit for the post. Don't buy into the LIE that says you need to be anything less than who you are to be 'fit' for him or desirable, because you already are.