the most terrifying (terrified) part of me
The very last thing I want to do is be vulnerable about this. Let me make that abundantly clear. The last thing I want to do is admit that I am human and have fallen prey to something I've always identified as ridiculous, something that weaker women fall victim to (and men, yes, but my life circumstance has had been more concerned with the judgement/approval of other women, even if I've never realized that, or admitted it until this very moment).
I've always been "above" things; "strong", "brave", "blah blah de effing blah". Reality check, when I found myself crying in the dressing room yesterday I realized that I am so human it hurts. It's terrifying. Even writing this right now I am making judgements against myself on behalf of you, the reader. I am now that girl. The one who blogs endlessly about her humanity, the one I used to roll my eyes at and think, "get on with it" (obviously only in my head). But holy shit, am I scared. I will jump off cliffs, out of planes, I will give speeches and push myself, but this? not this.
I've never talked about this because while I've allowed it to define me inwardly, I refuse to give anyone the bat in which to beat me with. I beat myself enough with it, believe me. I've decided that I define myself, I choose my labels, so I've only given glimpses to those parts of me -- I say what you can and can not see me as, but that has created a self-destructive vortex/unachievable image within me that led up to this moment-- well that moment, the moment in the dressing room.
Exactly one week ago I began a journey with a friend of mine in search of healing. Yep. Healing. I assure you my intentions were not to find healing for my past, or the pieces of me that I didn't want to face...I wanted to fix (parts of me still do just want to medicate the root issues) whatever it was that wasn't bringing about the results I thought I wanted. But it has become something altogether different and deeper, because, and here we go, true story: I have been dealing with an eating disorder of sorts for the last two years.
What started as a desire to get healthy and fit, turned into frustration through a lack of know how and coupled with a ridiculous notion and belief that I have to do everything myself and for myself, as well as insecurity led me to the point of doing whatever I could to "make it happen". I cut my energy intake so hard that at one point I was down to eating less than enough, literally, to survive. I became hyper aware of my body. I was taking in little to no energy (food) and outputting huge amounts through exercise so that I would look the way I wanted to look all the while thinking, "Good job Taren."
Not good Job Taren. You are killing yourself.
I had no energy. I had no drive. No focus. I was depressed. I suddenly had severe anxiety... and the best part was, I honest to goodness had no idea why. and I was being affirmed for my outward transformation even while the means to that end were poison. It's been a long journey and a longer process in coming full frontal with the fact that my view of my body (even when I was training and in the best shape) was absolutely and disgustingly warped, but here I am.
I'm facing it. I'm struggling. I'm unhappy in the midst of it.
I won't go into details, but the point is.. I'm human. You are human. We struggle. With a multitude of things. and while I'm not out of this yet, the only thing that matters is that we keep going. We keep moving into hope and healing. and its disgustingly difficult. and it hurts. and it's confusing. and I honestly don't understand 80% of the time, but it's better, right? it has to be. It has to be worth it.
Killing my body (and my mind) so that I get a social thumbs up, or asked out to bloody coffee, or whatever it was that was twisted in my mind to encourage me to buy into imbalance is not worth my time. But health is. And wellness is. And applying myself is. And pushing myself to be stronger is. And yes, with every choice there is an effect either positive or negative, and thus there are repercussions to my negative health choices I've been making but the good news is... That's not the end of the story.
Today is today, and now is now and right now, in this moment I get to choose to be kind to my body. Even while sobbing in angst because I've released control and everything is topsy-turvy. I just have to remember to trust and believe that healing is here and that I will emerge new.
Health is my goal, both in body, mind and spirit (like, come on! that's what this entire blog is about!). Real Health. Not perceived notions of what I should look like. Should, Should, Should. Nasty thing, that should. The mind seems to be the hardest part thus far. Freeing the mind and turning whatever was negative over and into the light, and allowing myself to be transformed from that place.
I've always loved a good challenge. ugh.
Balance yourself. Balance. Yourself. or better yet, allow yourself to be balanced.