How do I write this without sounding mind-numbingly cliche? I honestly don't have an answer. I've tried, over and over to write this blog and I am just not feelin' it. I want so badly to express to you what I am experiencing out here but I can't seem to find words that accurately portray my heart, my vision. I'm sitting here slapping my cheeks, leaning back in my chair and groaning because I can't seem to bend these words to my will. It's unreal, that much is true - and yet it is undoubtedly life, and life in full. I find myself repeating that often, "this is real life" as if to remind myself that this is, regardless of what the world says, real life - community the way it was intended to be. Authentic. Deep deep love, honor.
It has been a fast paced and fully packed ride since arriving. I actually had no idea what I was signing up for when I bought my plane ticket out here, but let me tell you.. I am SO 100% in. I've never felt so alive, and it's crazy, I feel like, to say that because most of the time I am exhausted - but my spirit is SOARING.
I feel like for me to say that my Heart is SO FULL every day would not be a lie. I am overwhelmed by the beauty of the people around me. I find myself walking in constant thankfulness for the provision and goodness of Jesus. Constant thankfulness for Life! (you see, now, why I said the whole cliche bit?)
I am literally full to overflow.
So 100%. I say I'm all in to dedicating myself to this track and what God is doing here and in the world. Coming into the track I said and continue to say yes to scripture memorization, books to read, practical service, community outreach, small groups, family time, training meetings, late nights and early mornings. I say yes to jumping out of my comfort zone. I said yes to seeking out the depths of his character, and thus his Love. I say yes to speaking on the mic when I feel like I'm going to pass out from nerves. I say yes to giving it my all when I don't feel like it - because hes worth it - I say yes to doing the things that feel cliche, or sound cliche, not because I should but because I know it's important to God.
I so long for the words, "I'm praying for you" to carry weight! I want the reality of Jesus(thus truth) to be my only reality - this humanistic side of me that fears things to be shattered.
It really has been a crazy four weeks. My heart is laid bare before the king; hes rearranging parts, stripping me of things and instilling beautiful beautiful secrets and truths. He is redefining my identity. Preparing me.
I came into this whole thing set on staffing a school and at this point I am not sure whether or not that will be the case, but I am so content with where my heart is and what he is doing that it doesn't matter. His provision is abundant and never ending. His truth is so much deeper than I ever thought possible. His beauty is hidden in the hearts of the people I'm surrounded with and one day at a time is just fine with me.
Jesus you're beautiful.